Desktop Wallpaper

In May of 2006 I moved back to Bristol for the summer, to live with my father and closer to my family and friends while I saved up enough money to leave to country. I, of course, was especially excited about the prospects of getting to hang out with my besty more or less any time I wanted, who was staying with her parents that summer as well.

The first time we had a tree house party in the tree house that my Pops, my bro and I built in our backyard, Verny was one of three special guests in attendance. I'll elaborate on the good times we had in the tree house in a forthcoming post, but for now I'd like to talk about something in particular I remember from this occasion.

Dad had rigged up a big chord that ran all the way into the tree house, so we had enough electricity to have a lamp, a small boombox, and even hook up my laptop to look at pictures or play music. This night I had my laptop out, and below it the wallpaper I had on during the time.

You could say that my desktop background was….well, unusual to say the least. Definitely funny. Perhaps even slightly creepy. I would light-heartedly agree. But I'd also say that is has a lot in common with typical backgrounds. People like to decorate their backgrounds with things they admire or enjoy, like vehicles, bands, works of art. The reason I made this my background was because I liked this picture of Veronica--she looked genuinely happy and at ease in it--but it was so small that it would get too pixelly if I'd made it full screen, so I just put it in tiles.

I had had this background on for at least a couple of weeks before the evening of the first tree house party. It always cheered me up to see her smiling face, and it would make me laugh because there was a bunch of smiling Vernys! I admit, however, that I considered changing the background before she came over, but must have put it off or forgotten about it. I mean think about it: Imagine if you came over to a friend's place and there desktop background is nothing but a repeat picture of your face…! A little ridiculous, right!??

Well there is was, shamelessly active when Verny got onto my laptop, and if you know how Vern feels about pictures of herself you can only imagine the trauma that ensued. "Rene! You know I hate that picture of me! You put this up just to tease me about it, didn't you?" Jesse was there and he thought it was hilarious. I thought it was funny too, but she got over it and we all joked about it.

It is only one of many backgrounds I've had up of Verny since. It wasn't uncommon for me to gloat about my best friend whenever the opportunity arose, and no matter how far apart we were I could always see her on my desktop. Every picture I'd put up, mostly of us together, we were either making crazy faces or caught in a huge laughing frenzy. The crazy faces come naturally in most situations, but in no other pictures have I ever seen either myself or Verny smiling so loud at the ones we were in together.

(January 2009)

A Big Long Semester

This semester was arguably one of my hardest semesters. It is very likely that my job of little reward and my financial whoas contributed to this. I had to read ten books for one class alone. In another class my teacher was so ditzy and impossibly easy that it was frustrating. For example, my friend got 100% on an assignment she didn't even do, and 50 points extra credit on a presentation that was two weeks late. Two classes I had with a professor who was brilliant but also very particular and demanding, which ate up pretty much all of my free time for the greater part of the fall. I thought for sure I'd get a B in at least one of her courses, but it turns out that my final grade will be a 90, hopefully allowing me to have another all As semester.

I have only one semester to go now until I have completed my degree. It has been about a year and four months since I've interacted with my best friend. The absence is heavy. I find it difficult to feel the achievement of my successes, knowing that she isn't here to share them with or to continue having her own. It is a kill joy. I'd sacrifice everything, all success, to get her back here, and I guess there is some part of me that really wishes such a thing was possible, hence the waining enthusiasm. With another end of a semester, it is another semester I have to acknowledge that Verny didn't have.

This time of year is proving tough again in relation to my Veronica not being around. I remember how for so long I had been looking forward to spending a Christmas in Bristol, mostly so that I could spend it with her, and finally when I found a means of doing so she wasn't there for it. It is like one of my goals in life that can never come to fruition I guess. And I'm thinking about that again. It seems like such a simple wish, you know? A realistic dream that, as it turns out, could never happen. Some things in life are like that.

And then there is my approaching birthday. I'm 9 months older than Verny, so that is all good and well, but soon here I will turn 24. The distance grows, and I get to thinking about the things I'm going to go through in the rest of my life--transitions, phases, lifestyles, generations--that she won't have in this world that we know. I know we've already had our different experiences, and we've both gone through different things even while she was here, but we had each other to confide in and lean on and feel cool around no matter what was happening. I've got my bro, but that isn't the same type up understanding and camaraderie of Verny. Some things between Verny and I were just un-relatable outside of our friendship.

I've got to somehow start believing that the things I do are worthwhile and worthy of my interest even without Veronica here. But it is hard to care when she isn't here to progress alongside of me, when we can't braid our victories together. It is just me going on about it for the both of us. I'm definitely thankful that I have been blessed to be a part of the lives of Verny's parents and sister, and this is a huge help in that by our unity, in some sense, Veronica is still existing and making a difference. Even with that, though, there is a loneliness sometimes. My peer, confidante, emergency midnight caller, spontaneous adventurer isn't here. She is the coolest person I have ever known and will ever know in the whole world. She got me. She never didn't get me. And she is gone.

I remember the last couple of years when Verny was having academic trouble because of her sleeping issues. She wasn't getting good sleep because of her sleep apnea, and because of this she couldn't focus and she turned to energy drinks to get vitalized. To be honest, I think the energy drinks promoted the incapability of focus, as I have found in recent yet occasional soda drinking when I'm attempting assignments. Living far from campus must have also been tough, because it is out of the way to use school's resources, but staying home can sometimes be so distracting. I was worried for her, and I expressed my feelings. We'd sometimes have intellectual dialogue about the various nutritious options for gaining healthy and lasting energy, but in the end Verny would choose the quick fix and shut me up with a Mountain Dew.

I curbed my soda drinking habits in June do to overwhelming evidence of looming health issues. Even though Verny supported my soda drinking habit, I wonder if and hope that she supports my new, healthier direction.

This past Verniversary, Veronica Day, Vern's B-day, whateveryouwanttocallit, was the most perfect way that we could spend it. I hope we all find a perfect way that we can celebrate Christmas in a way perfect for Veronica, too.

Irish Lullaby (to Verny, love Rene)

Revised Lyrics: Stay With Me, Veronica

Hello VIPs (Verny's Important People),

Finally I feel confident that I have a little time to sit down and write on Verny's blog. Just so everyone knows, this site is open to any time you wish to share with other folk about anything and everything concerning Veronica. I don't plan on going anywhere; I plan on sticking around and keeping it going. I hope you feel the same, or at least that if you are not comfortable with sharing, you can enjoy the things I myself and others post.

I posted a song I was working on a few months back, and now that it has reached lyrical finalization (and near completion in the studio) I thought I'd go ahead and post the revision. If anyone would like a copy of the song when it is complete, just let me know and I will find a way of getting to you. I know I'm hard to get contact information on, but if you can't get in touch with me on here or in email, Verny's folks are a sure way of getting to me.

This song was inspired off of a dream I had, of Veronica as a little girl, standing in front of the glass doors leading to her balcony. Sunlight was pouring in all around her--you could hardly see her smiling features it was so bright--but her smile was enormous and she was jumping and dancing and saying something along the lines of "I'm a luckiest girl in the world!" Somehow the way I registered this during my dream, as if it were the unquestionable context of the statement, was that she had a great and happy life, and that she was thankful for every person that made it that way, but especially to her parents.

The song is a story about the destiny and legacy of our friendship, though there truly isn't much exposition about the fine details so much as the epic of it actually occurring. I could never get over how lucky I was to have Veronica, someone who understood better than anyone else in the world. I thought about that a lot during our friendship; it was magical to me that I'd been lucky enough to find someone so special, with such a unique yet familiar soul and approach to life as me. At the very least, my attempt was to capture that feeling, yet in retrospect. I hope that others can find their own significance and comfort in this story and these words, the way that I often do.

Stay With Me, Veronica

I was thirteen

I had a dream I was a toddler again

Passing by that old playground

She was there so I stuck around

Ash brown hair blowing everywhere

Sitting sideways on a swing

Running and hiding behind a tree

Looking under rocks

She was climbing up the slide

When she said

I'm your best friend

We haven't met yet

I've got ten years left

And I want to see

What you've got to show me

So don't walk slowly

If you want to keep up, stay with me.

Woke up at the bell ending geometry

Went on to history class

Sat in a third row seat

I never felt so bored or alone

'Til she came and sat down next to me

I knew that hair, those eyes, that smile

The ancient soul within the child

And when she laughed the sun shown through

The dusty windows of this room

Then she said

I'm your best friend

We finally met

Only got ten years left

So I want to see

What you've got to show me

Please don't walk slowly

'Cause I want you to keep up, and stay with me

Stay with me

Can you teach me how to fly like you?

Looks like you're going too far too soon.

But last night I dreamed that she said

With every butterfly you've got to say goodbye

I hope you know I never planned on saying goodbye

I'm positive at least you lived before you died

And the years lapped us by

As we stuck beside each other

Kept on telling stories,

Her days of glory were all mine too

But last night I dreamed again

That she said

I'm your best friend

But now we met

Haven't got any time left

To say goodbye

But keep on showing

What you had to show me

The world's not going to wait up

So don't walk slowly

And I said you're my best friend

But now we met, and I can't stand

To see you go

Why can't you stay with me, Veronica, Veronica

Stay with me, Veronica, my Veronica

I was thirteen.

Princess of Yonder Hill

T'was nigh at hand, so long ago

On eve of five July,

I came across on yonder hill

A path that t'would be mine

Criss-crossed the slopes and cutting grass

With ends that past high knee

Came 'pon a girl near twenty-two

And watched from 'hind a tree

Sweet songs, sang she, with lips unmoved

To flowers far and wide

Brown locks of curls bounced with her dance

Barefoot alongst hillside

Her smile kept the sun awake

Her laugh made green things grow

And dance, did she, 'til hours were wee

And I had turned to go

Alas, come find to my surprise

As glance was cast away

Stood front of me, n'other but she

And bid me that I stay

With eyes of colors 'cross the world

And colors yet to know

She offered me her gentle hand

T'was from thince we did go

Up top the hill she guided me

Her footfalls soft as snow

We danced beneath the blinking stars

Her song it ever flowed

Yet as the new day rose again

It faded to the trees

The winds did sweep her off the ground

Stole her away from me

And nowadays, walk here do I

On path well-tread and kept

Remember my Veronica

And all the she did left

The tree on which I once did lean

To watch this creature dance

Still bears the mark of where she stood

Gold footprints long have last'

And on the field where wince she was

When autumn warms the air

Her purple flowers climb the hill

And grow thick everywhere

Along hilltop where once she twirled

Now golden flowers grace

Spelling her name, Veronica,

Amongst the purple lace

'Tis on this eve of five July

And on this hill alone

You can still hear her songs of old

Beneath a fading sun.

Piano Aficionado

Verny was good at, well, everything she did. She was so good, in fact, that on occasion I'd be rendered speechless--dumbfounded at her natural grace.

One of Verny's talents that always caught me up was how she could play piano. Verny's mum said that her piano teacher was amazed at her ability to sightread from such a young age. Me and Verny watched some of her childhood home videos last summer. One of them was a piano recital, and it was jaw-dropping to see a tiny Verny, maybe seven at the time, take her little steps up to the piano and play a piece that demanded wide-eyed glances, and maybe the occasional moistened cheek, from the audience. We watched it a few times. Sometimes I laughed at her demeanor in the video, that even as a child she had this "it's no big deal" attitude. But sometimes all I could think was "wow." It was surreal to me.

When Verny sat down in front of a piano or keyboard, it was clear that she owned it, no matter whose it was or what the location. Any time I saw the opportunity, I would ask if Verny could play something for me--I didn't care what it was, I just wanted to watch. When I got the chance to see Verny play (lucky me), it was mesmerizing. Her fingers delicately yet powerfully probing the keys with intention and precision, leaving not one meaningless moment. It was as if time had stopped--reality was outside, and inside was the life and song of the captivating Veronica.

I think it is fitting, then, kind of like a book-end, that my last moments with Veronica, in person, was on a quiet summer night, playing a keyboard in her parents den. I had been working all evening and didn't get back 'til late. She hadn't given any notice that she was going to be in town, but when she texted and said "Where are you? I'm here" I dropped what I was doing with a pal and got in pretty late. It was always exciting to see my best friend's car in the driveway, and when I opened the downstairs door I could hear my keyboard faintly being played by who else but she. We didn't say too much as I came into the den, walked around the coffee table, and sat next to her. We fiddled with the settings. She played remarkably, as usual, and I joined in, clearly without motive, haha, but just to be playing along. Our hands met a couple times, and we laughed, or she'd push mine out of her way. We tried some different tones. Some were really funny, and when I tried to change from some space alienesque setting she demanded, "put it back!" I obliged. She was playing My Heart Will Go On...again, in reflection, it seems fitting. But I had worked all day, had to wake up early the next morning, and at this wee hour of night I was tired.

I got up, telling her I had to go to bed. We had hoped that I would get out of work early enough the next day to go spend a little time with her in Knoxville, but she left just before I was able to get out. But our last moments, there on the couch together, were bursting with significance beyond what we were then able to recognize. As I left the room, only partially closing the sliding door, I could hear Vern faintly continuing to play My Heart Will Go On until I dozed off to sleep.

Veronica & Cigarettes

It was the summer after her freshman year of college that Verny become curious about the habit of smoking cigarettes. She had several friends at the time who partook in the activity--it was mostly a communal endeavor between close friends, and Verny caring so much about those who she's close to, wanted to know what it was like.

I don't know if this was the first time Verny put a cigarette to her mouth, but that summer at my friend Nickie's house was the first time she did it in my presence. At the time, I might have been under the heavy influence of the Truth campaign against cigarettes, not to mention a drink or two, but as I walked around Nickie's house, alas, I could not find Verny. I tried the backyard, and viola, there she was amongst the smokers. She smiled at me, and I tried telling her to come back inside but she just shook her head. I turned to go, and turned back to see her quickly put an arm back behind her. Verny was holding a cigarette! "Is that what I think it is?" I asked her in an almost punishing tone. Verny relaxed her arm and sure enough, a burning cigarette lay between her middle and index fingers. "Verny," I said, slowly bringing my eyes to hers with a face nearly as red as a firetruck, "if you take a puff of that. I'm going to smack your face right off."

We stood there for a while, daring each other with our eyes amid several friends who had gathered around. I'd have never intended serious harm on Verny, but I figured (at least at that time in the night) a good smack would render a lot less damage than the flem, tar, smell, and pocket pinching that such a nasty habit would tug along. Verny smirked, slowing brought the cigarette to her lips, and puffed.

Naturally, being a person of my word, I sent her horizontal with a smack that knocked the cigarette out of her mouth. And then the Verny siren went off. For the first time in my life a was terrified of my best friend, and she was chasing me like a madwoman around the backyard as I half laughed and half screamed at our predicament. One couldn't deny the sheer comedy of the situation, yet if Verny had got her hands on me I'd have surely been toast.

I don't know how I managed to not get beat up, but Verny got tired of chasing me, assuming she'd get me back later I suppose, and as the night progressed the incident was forgotten. Well, for the most part, considering that I still remember it pretty clearly!

After that evening, I'd see Verny having an occasional cigarette. She liked menthol, then switched to green apple. She liked the taste, and said they gave her the feeling of being light, as any ballerina is I guess. Verny knew I didn't particularly enjoy being around smoke, even if I wasn't so against it as I used to be, so for the most part she didn't smoke around me when at all feasible. On our last beach trip, in 2008, I got her and Jesse a souvenir: a pirate ashtray. Verny loved it, and told me she loved it for more than just what it was, but for the fact that I got it for her, even though I didn't condone to or like cigarettes. She said it showed that I had an open mind, loved her for who she was, and wanted her to be happy. That is the truth if I ever heard it!

The last cigarette smoking incident I encountered with the Vern was last year, on the 4th of July. My friend Cary came over to Veronica's parents, and brought his friend Adam, who is a smoker. Vern has (for the most part) tried to keep her smoking on the down low from her parents. But if you know Vern, you know what a thrill-junky she is in the department of risk, thus she decided to have a cigarette with Adam in the driveway. Low and behold, who but Verny's father comes out of the house, in clear view of the driveway! "Urrghh, it's my dad!" Verny cringes. She tries to inadvertently hide the cigarette by changing her angle, but as her father approaches he gets a curious, amused look on his face. So Vern, not knowing what to do, runs and hides on the other side of the SUV, as if that will mitigate the issue! Her dad laughs openly as they play cat and mouse around the SUV, even looking beneath to watch footsteps, and finally Vern gives up the post, and they finish their cigarettes together.